Secret Vault of Uselessness
by r.i.p. musictaco
Summary: A compilation of various AU parodies, crackships, slash/femslash, sailor mouths, the works. Not related to my other stories and certainly not related to each other. Full information inside on what to expect. Happy traveling.
1. Please DO NOT Skip

What I have written staring next chapter is basic stupidity plots. As far as characters go, they most likely won't make sense because I use an online random generator to choose who will be in the story, the amount of them varying with the plot itself. These stories are not meant to make sense; they're meant to be relaxing and funny, depending on your taste. People are bound to be out of character, and that is the point. People are going to know each other and be friends, possibly lovers with people that most certainly would not be realistic if we stuck to canon or canon details at the least. _(I.E. Hotch and Foyet being BFFs, or Kevin Lynch and Prentiss dating)._

So first and foremost, **DO NOT **say anyone is out of character or this detail isn't right. This is meant to make you laugh and think, "Wow, how stupid," not, "Wow, how epically beautiful." If you review saying any of the above, I will nominate you troll of the day in the following chapter you reviewed according to. If you call **me **a troll, again, you just earned yourself the troll of the day award which I will publicize in the following chapter.

My characters' list is at the bottom of these nasty paragraphs. (Yes, they must be read; they're for your benefit). Let me know if there's someone important I missed and I will contemplate adding them. But I believe most of the people I have decided to include are it for the ones who make parody material to the extent of my abilities.

I will not even consider children, however. They will be categorized into junk mail.

As far as OC's go, if you want one, you're going to have to make one hell of an original character for them to make the cut. And even then they won't be a regular, so please stick to requesting canon characters if you can. **Remember,** if you send an OC my way, they **must **be an **ADULT. **

-George Foyet

-Elle Greenaway

-Spencer Reid

-Aaron Hotchner

-Jason Gideon

-David Rossi

-Emily Prentiss

-Will Lamontagne

-Jennifer Jareau

-Erin Strauss

-Kevin Lynch

-Tobias Henkel

-Ashley Seaver

-Derek Morgan

-Penelope Garcia

-Agent Anderson (Whom I have given the first name, Jacob).

-Haley Hotchner

Sorry if I bored any of you with this blech, but I figured this was important. I just didn't want to get slammed for the most insignificant things, you know? Anyway, keep going; that's where the fun starts.


	2. Lover's Quarrel

**Title: **Lover's Quarrel  
><strong>Rating:<strong>( T )  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Foyet/Elle  
><strong>Summary: <strong>Days weren't always fairytale-like, and today was no exception. But what makes today even worse is when their friends decide they want to act like five year olds and observe.

* * *

><p>"You egotistical prick!" Elle Greenaway shouted at her new boyfriend.<p>

"Oh, so I'm the bad guy?" He waved his hands in his own defense.

In the living room, four of their friends had broken in on the whim of one and were peeking their heads over the large couch like small children trying to watch Santa deliver their presents to the tree.

In truth, they were one man down since he had gone to use the bathroom casually walking past the fuming couple. He returned to his friends as coolly as he had left. "What'd I miss?"

"Sshhh!" Spencer Reid glared at Derek Morgan while Jacob Anderson pulled him down as to avoid detection. Ashley Seaver rolled her eyes while quietly watching the couple battle it out in the kitchen. The blonde's eyes went wide when suddenly the guy in the kitchen started walking toward them.

"Oh and where are you going?" Elle glared, following him out into the living room. "Answer me, George!"

He gave an incredulous look at the people crowded together, using their couch as a fortress. "When were you planning on telling us you were here?"

"Say what?" Seaver looked worriedly to her partners in crime. But while Derek and Reid shared her horrified faces, Anderson had a small grin, hidden to Foyet and Elle from his angle of sitting.

"Hey, before you kick us out, can I grab a bottle of water? I'm parched." Anderson looked up at Foyet with puppy eyes that only were beat by Reid, were he not so stumped on what to do now they had been caught.

"Sure, but can you hurry? We have a lot to talk about _alone._" Foyet growled, and Anderson returned that with a slight nod.

_I know. _He thought while going to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water as promised, but since no one was looking at him, he stuck his ace in the hole in between the popcorn box and Frosted Flakes box before reuniting with his friends.

Elle held open the door for her friends to leave. She loved them all, but now was not the time to see them. "And I would wonder why and how you broke into my place were I not so fucking mad at other things! You might want to go before you become a part of those things."

"Trust me, you do _not _want to become part of that." Foyet teased as they walked out of the door.

Outside, as they piled into Anderson's car he sighed contently while everyone else was either sulking, pouting, or staring silenty. "Cheer up guys." He said merrily while stopping the car just around the corner from the apartment, and out of Elle and Foyet's view.

"Why?" Derek asked sourly.

"Because we have entertainment." Anderson pulled out a laptop from under the passenger seat where Reid sat, punching in a few codes Penelope had taught him and voila, they were spying on Foyet and Elle again. He set the laptop on the center compartment. He and Reid leaned in to see it while in the back Ashley and Morgan knelt on the ground.

"Err... that doesn't look like their arguing." Seaver pointed out.

"Oh my eyes! They burn!" Morgan exclaimed, holding his face and getting into the fetal position.

"Um, I hadn't planned on seeing that." Reid said, surprised, trying to blink the pictures of Elle pinning Foyet against a wall and very ferociously kissing him.

"Don't worry. You all can look now." Anderson assured them, three heads slowly turning back toward the screen. They were confused now; the screen was frozen at one point but they all got the picture. "Captured this, and off to Garcia it goes." They all chuckled lightly, knowing what this could mean for them.

Ashley whipped out her cell phone dialing whosever number came first in her contacts. It ended up being Foyet and she found it difficult to surppress her giggles while waiting for him to pick up.

"Yeah?" He answered, annoyed that he had been interrupted from a rather passionate embrace with his girlfriend.

"Oh the memories." She grinned wickedly, hanging up, and leaving the man to decide for himself what that meant.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I will admit, I'm not the best at humor, but I wanted to test the waters and get away from the serious for a while. I find it quite stressful, and the stupid, getting away from all that logic and realism is what I needed. R&R, it's nice to know people are out there reading._**


	3. Hotels Are the Worst

**Title: **Hotels Are the Worst  
><strong>Rating: <strong>( T )  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Prentiss/Haley, I guess...?  
><strong>Summary: <strong>For some reason Rossi, Prentiss, and JJ are shipped off with Strauss for a case when someone breaks into the hotel. The all hell ensues... at least until a long lost someone brings by a simple gift making them wonder.

_**A/N: Again, let me warn you, characters are selected at random and these stories are written out of carelessness and a turn off of common sense. That is the main basis of these I don't know what to call them... parodies, maybe? Ah well who cares? Just sit back and enjoy.**_

* * *

><p>"So what's this one about?" Emily Prentiss groaned, sitting on the bed next to Jennifer Jareau.<p>

"Three boys gone missing in the last two weeks. All of them were sexually abused and sodomized." JJ spoke sadly, thinking of Henry.

"They all have brown hair and green eyes. He might be trying to recreate a fantasy." Erin Strauss reckoned.

"Shouldn't we wait for Rossi to get over his burrito troubles before getting into this?" Prentiss glanced over at the bathroom then back at the two blonde women.

"Good point." JJ nodded. Suddenly there was a large bang and the three women jumped back at the woman who had joined them in their hotel room by force. The man in the latrine was in too much pain to care. She lunged straight for the black haired woman. JJ and Strauss weren't worried or stunned until the woman thought to be Haley Hotchner ripped out one of the lamps and hurled it at Prentiss who had leaped away from the bathroom door when it opened. Fuoriserie Lamp met David Rossi and both crashed to the ground.

By this time the blonde ladies had whipped up some popcorn and were relaxing on the bed, finding great enjoyment out of the women fighting for no apparent reason.

Disoriented, Rossi finally came to and to his surprise there were two women grappling on the floor while the two others were sitting on the bed with popcorn, chanting names and techniques, and choosing sides. What shocked him was who was for whom: JJ took on the role of Haley's coach while Strauss was on Prentiss' side. This was crazy! He went up behind the woman he hated and threw her out the same broken window Haley had climbed through, and stole JJ's popcorn.

"Hey!" She completely forgot about Emily and Haley, and chased after Dave, running at full speed over everything until Haley's foot got in the way, catapulting the liaison and author out the window. Said author landed first on something that didn't feel like concrete or dirt, but he didn't have enough time to think about that when something moderately heavy dropped on him. Tilting his head as far as his weakened body could, he saw the Section Chief below him, clearly dead, and JJ breathing heavily on top of him.

Upstairs in the second floor hotel, Prentiss finally grabbed the upper hand, straddling the other woman when she caught sight of new bowls and popcorn, and what looked like to be DVDs. "Wanna watch a movie?" She hoped that would calm Haley down, which it did immediately.

"Sure." Emily stood, helping Haley to her feet. Together they tested the popcorn before analyzing their collections of movies, all old school horror movies. Haley was the one who spotted the card taped onto one and freed it. "Seems like you had a rough day, Jason Gideon."

Prentiss shrugged, and Haley tossed the card into the pile of movies. "Cool, what do you want to watch first?"


End file.
